Learning to Surf

Seven weeks ago I was cycling in the pouring rain with snow in my face in the middle of London and now I am here. This is my extended family. It’s pie judgement day. Today is home brew day. Are we gonna go surfing?

“All right Wicket, I will see you down there. See you in a bit.”

“I am just learning, I am pretty much a newbie. But what would your advice be if you had to give your top tips for me?”

Mike Jolly [Hirsute Local Surfing Legend], “Suggest that you got a big board and choose a day when the surf is smaller rather than life-threatening.”

Frankie’s Guide to New Zealand EP3


“People who start on a board like this, after a couple of years, they can then maybe go to like a 6”10 – 6”8 short board and it will be an easy transition.
Whereas if I start on a real long one like what Helen is talking about, the big red, which is 9 foot, it is too big to go from there to a short board so they’d probably have to go after a couple of years down to something like this and then drop down.”

“What’s the bit of work that you do?”

“Well a person might do, I might look into the surfboards and go there’s an 8”1, 7”10, 7”6, I want a 7’4”.

“Ummm, no I don’t like a round tail, I want to have a square tail and I don’t weigh much so I want it to be a bit thinner on the rails so it bites in a little more.”


“All the best.”

“Thank you.”

“Having had three lessons now, I am pretty much ready for point for my audition point break. “


“But for those people out there who aren’t as experienced as me, I was wondering if you could just do a round on the kit.”

Helen Edmonds [Friend & pregnant surf instructor], “First thing that we need to do is wear something buoyant. When we are learning you need to wear a wet suit – A to keep you warm in a weather like this and – b, because of buoyancy.”

“Don’t you chaffed though, because when I come up I have like sore ribs and knee caps.. “

“That’s because you are a pussy.”

“It’s a nine foot one board. It’s a monster!”

“There are two ways to ride, left food forward..”

“Which is natural.”

“and then goofy, I am goofy ain’t I?”

“Let’s get in there. That’s the fun.”

“Let’s go!”

“Well ah, I am quite disappointed that you haven’t been surfing recently. Because you are unfamiliar with the board I think you are still finding it quite difficult to ride just a, to ride on to the spot so that when a wave comes you are not nose-diving in and your waist is still back.”

“It is such hard work to actually get on the board thing and doing the ridey-ride like … Look at me!”

“Style, yeah!”

“Well that means cool but it’s really chopping and brain’s coming out, you are being dragged left, you are being dragged right.”

“You are such a pussy.”

“So I have determined that I am going to catch a wave and I am going to come all the way, so far in, that the board sticks in the sand.”

“And you jump”

“Well done mate, that was just great but you know what, you are still just a pussy. It’s going to take a few more weeks before you lose the status of being a pussy.”

“I know I am a bit of a pussy, as you pointed out. Have I got a chance to be a surfer, I am going to make it.”

“If you put your mind to it and you go out this winter..”


“Yes, if you continue to be a pussy and uh ah it’s too cold and I’ll just make some cocktails and gonna get pissed instead. No! You’ve got to put the effort in.”

“Thank you once more.”

“Your welcome.”

“ May be not tomorrow.”


“I can’t take.. [laughs]”

“Because you got annoyed and now you gonna get pissed tonight, I know you so well.”

“No, because I heard the surf is gonna be terrible tomorrow.”

“Oh no! It’s gonna be pumping, offshore four foot, and clean.”

This week we are gonna be making sarvessa. Could create an explosion.

Let’s get brewing!